Monday, November 19, 2012

Wouldn't Change A Thing?

On one of the bad days recently, I started a pretty angry post with this same title.  I had read several other blogs where the mothers stated that they "wouldn't change a thing" about what they had been through.  The post was to have been along the lines of "Really - what kind of lunatic wouldn't change this situation if given the choice??" ...

I still firmly maintain that any mother who has had to walk a similar path would have loved nothing more than to leave the hospital with a healthy, happy baby who had a chance at a long life with them.  This morning, it struck me that there was a different way of looking at it. (Isn't there always?)

What I realized is that, at least for us, it means that I would do everything essentially the same way if I were faced with it again.  Chris and I have talked at length about whether we intend to have any more children, and honestly, the answer would depend on the day that you ask (and ultimately, I suppose, on God's plan).  We have also discussed the possibility of this situation happening again, as our risks for a neural tube defect are now slightly higher a second time around. 

On the bad days, we say that we could never be strong enough to endure another pregnancy like this and don't know what we would do.  On the better days, when we are a little more sane, we realize that we actually "wouldn't change a thing." The child that we created together would still be "our baby."  His or her life would still have value and it still wouldn't be up to us to choose when that life should end. 

Chris doesn't particularly care for it when I get on this topic and most of the time, I'd agree with that feeling.  We don't even know whether we'll have any more kids, so why think about this when there are so many other more immediate things that need my attention?  Well...for a couple of reasons: Most practically, I have a lot of "free thought time" at work and these are some of the things that plague me in the middle of the night.  More importantly, somehow it helps me to reaffirm the decision that we've already made this time.  It reminds me that though all of the pain and sadness, it's the right decision for us.  

(I know that statistics show 90-95% of mothers in this situation don't agree with our reasoning...I'm not judging them, just speaking from our place.)

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