I swiped this from another blog...fortunately we haven't had too many ill-advised comments yet, but it's worth putting out there, I think. These don't really just apply to our situation - they could pretty much apply to any tragic situation where you just don't know what else to say.
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover
they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them.
The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious -
just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was
compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While
generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who
have endured this loss.
When trying to help a
woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't
offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for
children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on
why it happened or how she should cope.
-Don't
say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same
congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual
counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many
terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
-Don't say, "It was for the
best" - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact
that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby
never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don't say, "You can always have another one."
This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing
this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the
fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you
have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would
that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don't
say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved
my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just
after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don't say, "Isn't it
time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being
grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me
forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over
you." Oh, great just what I wanted an angel. You're right I didn't want
my baby I wanted an angel. I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to
bury me in my old age.
-Don't say, "He/She is in a
better place." What better place is there than in my arms? How is it
better that my child is in heaven than with his mommy and daddy? How is that
better? Since you want what is best for your children too, would you rather have
your child in heaven?...Didn't think so.
-Don't say, "I
understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't
understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences
grief differently. And especially don't say this and associate it with something
like your dog...it isn't the same.
-Don't
tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it
worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible
to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my
due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify
me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy
ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don't
pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it
up. If I say, "Before my baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..."
don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me.
Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this
baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained
about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to
feed that we couldn't afford. I hate myself for any minute that I had
reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as
wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You
don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some
day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to
have you." We both need to hear that.
-Do say,
"I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a
prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a
kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was
loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call
more than once and don't be angry if I let voicemail pick up and I don't return your
call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts
to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything
from me for a while.
If you're my
boss or my co-worker:
-Do
recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical
condition.
-Do recognize that in
addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be
grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person
who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
-Do understand if I do not attend baby
showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't
come.
Please don't be upset if I can't talk about your pregnancy, your new baby or someone else's. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter
just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I
can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every
glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I
may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day.
It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll
know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?"
or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the
office in a while."
Above all, please remember
that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "loss" is small
and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a
while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."
I counted 9 of the "don't say" items that were said to us. Thank you for posting this because you are raising awareness.
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