I mentioned in my last post that I've been having a run of bad days - unfortunately, that still seems to be the case. Don't get me wrong, it isn't that every moment of each day has been miserable...it's just that at the end of each day, I feel the sorrow more profoundly than I'd like.
On the plus side, this has led me to have an interesting conversation with myself about figuring out who I want to be in the next few months. It has also made me think about what kinds of things I want to share in my journal/blog. Primarily, this is a way for me to put my thoughts into solid words and to share the journey of our newest little one. The secondary purpose is for me to share with family and friends, but also with other mothers who might be experiencing similar loss.
I've read quite a few other blogs from parents who have been down this road before and I am astounded by how positive and at peace these people seem to be - and I am truly happy for them that they feel that comfort. Unfortunately, that leaves me thinking sometimes...what's wrong with me? Why am I not handling it nearly as well as they are? Why can't my inner thoughts be all rainbows and unicorns in the face of this tragedy? (I know that's a bit of a simplification and that they, too, are in pain.)
That leads me to two possibilities - 1) maybe they really are just that balanced and that together that they feel pretty positive most of the time or 2) maybe they just aren't sharing all the negative thoughts, feelings and emotions that have been my near-constant companions for the last few weeks.
In the last few days, when things have been especially rough, I've found myself asking "Do I really want to publish this entry?" or "Do you really want to share those thoughts with anyone besides Chris?" As a result, I have several entries just sitting in draft form right now. I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and share them all, in due time. Why? Because they reflect how I feel. Because they are honest. Because I think that it is important for someone else who might be going through this to see someone else handling the good times and the bad. Maybe not always handling them with the grace that I would like, but muddling through just the same.
I have every intention of enjoying my pregancy as much I can and I have every intention of doing my very best to focus on the positives. But the simple fact is, every day can not possibly be a good one and it isn't fair to myself or to anyone else to only post about the good days.
Katie, your words are just perfect. Thank you so much for sharing. I say a little prayer for you guys everyday to give you all the strength and courage that you need to get through this time. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteThanks Starla - we definitely appreciate the prayers. It means a lot to know you're reading. :)
DeleteGo with your honesty. Again, in no way comparing myself to you. My experience during infertility left me aching to be able to be honest. Often I was met with " you should not feel that way". Externally I often repressed my thoughts, internally I really thought unless you have been in my shoes do not tell me how to feel. Live & share your honest feelings, it will help to free you. Xoxoxo M.
ReplyDeleteMandy - I really appreciate your insights. Like you, I know the situations aren't the same but I've found in these last few weeks that no matter what circumstances surround grieving for children we don't have (be it stillbirth, miscarriage, infertility, or birth defect) - the pain still feels very similar.
DeleteWe've been so fortunate thus far to be surrounded by those who love and support us, but there are still those out there who will never get it and should say nothing at all. Unfortunately those are the ones who say hurtful things like "You shouldn't feel that way" or "You need to move on." :( Love ya lady and thanks for letting me know you're there!
You have no idea how much you are helping some of us aimlessly traipsing through blogs like ghosts in the internet world looking for someone who may know what we're going through. I read all kinds of blogs, but I don't get comfort from the blogs that are full of faith and strength and sunshine. I am happy for them and secretly envious of how they are handling a similar situation. But THIS is the blog that comforts me. That makes me know that I'm not alone. That I'm normal and not less of person. That there are others who grieve the way I grieve and that I'm not doing something wrong. Sometimes this is how we grieve and it's ok. Thank you for posting the things that you were hesitant about posting.
ReplyDeleteMelanie - Thank you so so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on what I've written. I've read each comment, but have to confess that this one brought me to tears because I felt EXACTLY the same way as I read through other blogs in the days after we got our diagnosis..."What's wrong with me? Why don't I feel all rainbows and unicorns right now? etc" It means so very much to me to hear that my words have helped someone else and that the painful things I've shared have been for the best. If there is anything I can ever do to help you as walk your own journey, please don't hesitate to ask.
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