Thursday, October 18, 2012

Trying to Be Okay

We have spent the last nine days trying to work on processing the news we were given at our ultrasound.  Some days we have done well and some days we really have not done so well.  Actually, I don't even know that I can count time in terms of days right really seems like things can change from moment to moment.

It can be something as obvious as seeing that four day old baby in the pediatrician's office yesterday.  With that sight came the realization that the baby we are now carrying will likely not live to see a fourth day with us.  The same thought came to me when I saw someone carrying their itty-bitty newborn through the grocery store. I would have expected bitterness or anger with these sights, but really I just feel a longing and a sadness.  I am truly happy for these families that they have what appear to be happy, healthy babies but I can't help thinking "Why not us?  Why don't we get that with this baby?"

Other times, it's just a thought that pops into my head.  We went out to dinner tonight (because I still just don't feel like cooking some nights- we've given ourselves two weeks of slack, then it's back to normal on that front) and as Abby struggled to get out of the high chair, I thought about what it would've been like to have a child with each of us in the booth and one more in the high chair.  Now it will be a while before we experience that, if we ever do. 

In just the opposite way though, the most random things can snap us back out of our misery and help us to step outside this tragedy for a moment.  A never-fail distraction is when one of the girls comes over for an unprompted hug, kiss or snuggle - in that moment, it is impossible to think about anything other than the little miracle in my arms and how much I am overwhelmed with love for both of them everyday.  The same happens when they are giggling together or playing with Kitty - there is so much joy on those little faces, it's hard not to get caught up in it too.

I guess what I'm saying is that we really are trying to be okay.  We are trying not to be consumed by grief and sadness and loss every moment of every day.  I'm not saying that we aren't devastated or that we aren't hurting nearly every moment of the day, but I am saying that to lose ourselves in that pain would be an even greater devastation than what we are already facing.  We have two beautiful, happy, healthy little girls who need their Mommy and Daddy.  We have a strong marriage that is facing the single most difficult time we've ever seen together.  We have family members who are hurting and struggling too.  And we have a new baby who needs our love and needs us to make a lot of decisions for him or her in the coming months.  What choice do we have, other than trying to be okay?

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