Friday, October 12, 2012

Struggling with Our Faith

I have so many many things I need to write about and I don't know exactly what order to do them in, so I'm just going to try my best and apologize along the way if it doesn't seem completely logical.  Unfortunately, I'm struggling a little in the logic department right now.

I have always been the type of person whose relationship with God has been a work in progress.  From the time I was old enough to start asking questions, I've been asking them.  For the most part, I have found a lot of answers in the last twelve years and up until about four days ago, I would've said that my faith in God was stronger than ever.  Today I don't know that I can really say that.

I pray.  I always pray before I go to sleep and whenever else just feels right.  For the last few nights I haven't.  This is mostly because we wait until we are so exhausted that we can just fall into bed and go to sleep immediately.  Today I had to take a nap since I will be trying to go to work tonight, and when I went to say my prayers I found that I just couldn't do it.

I am, of course, still thankful for the good things in my life - my husband, my daughters, my family, my friends and all of the other blessings we have. It seemed, however, that for one of the first times in my life I was having a hard time wanting to talk to God.  I wouldn't necessarily say that "angry" is the exact right word for how I am feeling right now. Chris is furious and he has no problem putting that into words; I don't blame him for that.   I, on the other hand, don't even know what word I would choose for my emotions right now.

Many of the blogs that I have found in the last few days chronicle the struggles of mothers who have such a strong faith in God that they believe this whole experience has given them a better relationship with Him and who truly believe that this is a part of His plan.  Truthfully, if someone tried to tell me right now that the death of my child was part of God's plan - I might just punch him/her.  I am not, by nature, a violent person but to stand in front of me and tell me that a God I have always believed to be loving and benevolent planned for my family to suffer and lose a child...that is just more than I can bear.  I applaud the people who can believe that and, maybe, one of these days I will find the strength to believe it too.  For now, however, I take no comfort in that statement and find myself facing Square One again when it comes to evaluating my relationship with God as I used to know it.

*Now that I am done with this post, I am honestly debating whether or not to leave it or delete it.  I don't want it to be interpreted as my having lost my belief in God or turning my back on God.  I want it to simply acknowledge that, for me, this is just one small part of what I'm working through.  Ultimately, I think I will leave it because I know that other mothers in this situation will likely be having similar thoughts and if it helps them even a little bit, then I'm ok with sharing it.*


  1. My faith in God has wavered hugely my whole life. I lost both of my parents when I was young, and now my little girl is being taken. Why would he do this to me? To you? To our families? You even every right to question, to be angry, to feel let down by Him. I too hate to hear "everything happens for a reason" because that statement just don't bring me comfort. Was does bring me comfort is my connection with my loved ones, and now, the connections I will make with other mothers going through this journey. I'm here for you, you're strong, you're amazing, and our babies are perfect angels <3

  2. I wish we had some answers to those questions but I agree, it has been amazing to feel the comfort I've found in my family and friends and feel more deeply grateful each day for the two children we already have. I'm here for you as well, you too are both strong and amazing, and I agree - they are perfect angels. I am so glad that you have chosen to share your journey, because I really have already been able to find comfort in your words and thank you for that.

  3. Kate, my heart breaks for you all. During my most painful times while trying to have a child unsuccessfully I questioned/hated/thanked/damned/loved God. I struggled and still do on some days. You have to feel how you feel, no one can step into your shoes so don't allow anyone to tell you how to or not to feel. My thoughts & prayers are with you. Please reach out to me if there is anything I can help with. Love you sweety

  4. Thank you for posting this. I find so many blogs where women have a renewed relationship with God and their faith doesn't waver or doesn't waver much. Those blogs make me feel like I'm doing or feeling something wrong. It's nice to see that I'm not alone. If this was hard for you to write or embarrassing in any way, please know that you have helped me and I'm sure many other women who feel the same. Thank you.