Sunday, October 21, 2012


As a mother (and I would think the same is true for fathers), it is a natural instinct for me to want to protect my children.  They mean the world to me and I would no doubt die trying to keep them safe.  In the last two weeks, I have been amazed at how much more intense that feeling has become. 

Our world was so badly shaken with that ultrasound - up until that day, I was worried about things like needing to have a c-section and whether or not I would be able to breastfeed this baby.  I thought about the whole circumcision issue and whether or not it would be too painful for our son, if we were having a boy.  I wondered if I would be able to labor and deliver again without the use of medications or interventions.  Those were the concerns that were foremost in my mind.  It never consciously occurred to me that our baby might have a birth defect, let alone a fatal birth defect.

For the last eleven days, it seems like we have been waiting for the rest of our world to implode - just waiting for something else to go wrong.  It has forced us to consider our own mortality and that of the two children we already have.  It has caused me to pause every time we get ready to leave the house and wonder if something bad is going to happen.  When we say goodnight, I hold each little hand just a little longer and hug each precious little body just a tad tighter. 

I know that this is a normal reaction to losing a child, but that doesn't make the feeling any less real or any less terrifying.  Despite that, we now find ourselves walking a fine line between carrying on with our normal daily activities and wanting to lock everyone in safe protective bubbles.  I want so badly to protect my children from pain and danger, but I've had to face the fact that all we can do is the best that we are able.

We will never be able to entirely rid our world of danger or pain, but I've certainly become more in tune with my reactions to it.  I can't say that I don't want to lock us all in the house and hide from everyone and everything, but I can say that combatting that instinct has taught me a few things.

*We can try to make something positive grow from each experience.
*We can mend fences, so that we work toward living a life with no regrets. 
*We can be more aware of how precious life is and how important it is to cherish the moments we are given. 
*No matter how hard we try, how much we pray, or how careful we are...we don't know what each day will bring us.  Why would you ever want to waste one second of that precious time?

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