Mommy Guilt...in the middle of the night.

It's just past midnight and I can't sleep.  Even though we went to bed almost two hours ago, here I am wide awake with a mind that just refuses to give up and get some rest.  At this point, the only thing more irritating than being awake when the rest of my house is quietly slumbering is the fact that I'm not exactly sure why I'm still awake.

After reading all the news stories I could handle on my phone's tiny little screen, I decided it was time to just get up and see if I could figure out exactly what is on my mind.  I'm not sure I'll discover anything terribly important, but at least maybe after I get it all out, I'll be able to get some rest.

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday that went reasonably well.  The last week hasn't gone especially well, pregnancy-wise, and I was pretty anxious going into the office, but overall things are going as well as can be expected.  The doctor ordered a non-stress test as a precaution and, while it didn't necessarily ease my mind, she seemed to think it went okay. So there isn't anything specifically baby-related that's eating at me.

I know I'm a little peeved that I forgot to pay one of our bills on time and got hit with a $35 late fee..but that's not the first time it's happened so I sincerely doubt that is the cause of this ridiculous insomnia.  I have always tended to freak out a little over stupid things like that, especially when there is no good reason for me to have forgotten, but again, not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Chris and I also talked a lot tonight (before his body finally gave in and fell asleep) about some of the random things that have been frustrating me lately.  I know some of it is just the normal hormonal grumpiness that happens when you're 38 weeks pregnant; unfortunately it's just amplified by about 1000 given all the factors that have come into play with this particular pregnancy.

To be fair, some of the irritability is totally justified (ie- when people say one of the countless stupid things that people tend to say when they just don't have anything useful to offer) but some of it is pretty irrational.  I suppose that at least I can recognize when I'm being ridiculous and tend not to snap back at those times, but I have found myself having to walk away from more than one conversation simply because I wasn't sure what was going to come out of my mouth if I didn't.  I do know that people mean well and want to help, but when I get in this mood sometimes I just wish everyone would leave me alone so I don't have to try to respond tactfully.

I actually think my role as a mother is probably pretty near the top of my list of "funk factors" right now.  With everything that is going on in our lives and fighting the constant battle of my own emotions, some days I can't help but feel like a complete failure as a mommy.  There are quite a few days where we will sit in our jammies (or Cinderella gown if you are Tori), watch movies all day and do nothing resembling anything educational.  There are days where I know I am short-tempered and don't give them the patience and kindness they deserve.  There are days where the only thing that I really want to accomplish is to get back in bed.  On those days, I hate myself and I hate the fact that my kids don't have the mom that they should.  It's not that I actually climb back into bed or that they are ever mistreated, but I can feel myself falling far short of who I want me to be.  My resolve is always "Do better tomorrow."  Sometimes, that works and there are days where things are wonderful and you would never know that there was anything out of the ordinary in our household.  Unfortunately, that isn't always the case.

This is one of my biggest frustrations with this entire situation.  It doesn't just affect me or Chris or the baby...it affects Tori and Abby too.  (For the record, I know it also affects our parents, siblings and extended families but I am no mood to further contemplate that right now.)  As much as we try to strike a balance between shielding them from this entire awful reality and trying to use it as a learning opportunity for dealing with life, emotions and loss...sometimes it feels like we couldn't be doing a worse job of finding that balance.  I know that it isn't entirely reasonable to expect that the girls wouldn't be affected by all of this, but it seems like there would be some way better than just stumbling along blindly and praying for the best. 

We are human and I know we will make mistakes, but it is such a helpless feeling to know that you aren't doing what you want to do or being who you want to be.  I want so badly to be in control of all of this and to be able to balance my own grief with that of my husband and the needs of my children.  I want things to be "normal" at home even in the midst of chaos, but when I look around and see that things are still often chaotic no matter how hard I try...it's hard to accept that I am not nearly as "in control" as I would like to be.

(As a side note, I realize that this post got really long and I apologize.  I considered cutting out most of my thought process until I got to the last few paragraphs - because when the tears started falling, it was pretty clear what was bugging me tonight - but it was important for me to walk through it.  Plus, I timed how long it took me to read what I wrote -yes, I am that crazy sometimes...and since it was just about three minutes, I figured that anyone who cares enough to follow the blog would care enough to spare three minutes.)