A close friend of mine, whose son was born with a fatal birth defect the same month as Aaron, was told today that she needed to "move on with her life," "grow up," and "get over it." What's worse, is that it was someone close to her who should have been offering kindness, support and love instead of harsh words and judgement.
So let me be very clear when I say these next few things
- When you have lost a child, you will never completely "move on." You may keep moving, but "moving on" is not in the vocabulary.
- When you have been through the experience of carrying, meeting and loving your child who is going to die, you have "grown up" more in those 9-10 months than some people will do in 9-10 years. You lose a part of yourself; you lose the sense of innocence that you used to have about pregnancy and babies and life; you lose the confidence that everything will turn out for the best.
- When your child dies, you will NEVER EVER "get over it." You learn to live with the pain. You figure out what it takes to make it to the end of each day. You realize that there are things in life that are still worth living for. But you will never "get over" the fact that you had to bury your child. Ever.
So please, if you have ever asked "What can I do to help?"...this is what you can do: Don't say these things to a person who is grieving, particularly if they are grieving the loss of a child. These statements are not helpful. They rip out that grieving parent's heart and serve only to make them feel more isolated and alone, because you have shown them that you aren't even trying.
It's been almost four months since she and I lost our sons. Four months. We have a lifetime to carry the fact that one of our babies died...don't rush us.
It's true. Pople can say some rude things. Sometimes even to the verge of being stupid. I try to remind myself that they have no frame of reference and are pulling from the next closest thing that they've experienced. And I can only hope that they mean it with the best intentions. Or I'd be mad a lot. :) I once had 2 people tell me "I saw that on a show once. When you told me, I thought of that lady on the show. It was so sad." and "Like on Gray's Anatomy? Oh no wait it was Private Practice. You should look it up." To which I wanted to reply "No this is 'like' IN REAL LIFE!" My husband and I have to find humor in it all.
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