Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Looking Back: Our Pregnancy and The Girls

This post was also written on 7/15/13 - before we were ready to announce this pregnancy. 

We have had the discussion regarding, "What will we do if this happens again?" Despite all that we have been through, we would make exactly the same decision that we made with Aaron. My biggest fear here is not what it would do to me or to Chris, but what that means for our children.  We have not yet told the girls that we are having another baby, but that doesn't mean that the topic hasn't come up.

Abby started it...about a day after this new life began to exist, she climbed up on top of me on the couch and asked about the babies in my tummy.  I told her that there weren't any babies in Mommy's tummy and reminded her that Baby Aaron was in Heaven...but the kid was insistent that there was "a boy and a girl in your tummy!"  Honestly, I told Chris about it that night and we sort of dismissed it from there.  About two weeks later, on a Saturday morning as I was changing after work, Abby came running in, slapped both hands on my belly and yelled, "A boy and a girl in your tummy!! Babies in 'nere!"  At that point, it really wouldn't have been time to take a test but I thought I'd humor myself and give it a shot.  Sure enough, it was almost instantly obviously positive.  We'll know more in a few days at our ultrasound...but apparently she knew something was up. 

Then about a week ago, we had a much less enjoyable discussion with Tori.  I'm not even quite sure how the discussion came up, but I think it started because she was upset that God doesn't talk back to her when she talks to him.  That must have led into talking about Baby Aaron being in Heaven which prompted Tori to tell us that she wanted "a new brother or sister that gets to come home and stay here with us."  I think that was one of those moments where I could actually feel a little piece of me die on the inside...to hear an expression of such complete heartbreak and clarity from a four-year old is not something that I will soon forget.  We told her that we would do everything we could to have a healthy brother or sister for her sometime soon.  She got very excited and said "I want one to keep and not one in Heaven like Baby Aaron, ok?!"

I simply don't know what challenges lie ahead when it comes to this pregnancy and the girls.  I have a feeling that we are going to somehow have to balance alleviating their fears without offering them too much promise that "things will be okay."  At this point, we know better.  We have lost a child and I have talked with countless other parents who have also lost a child.  We have entered that realm where a healthy baby is no longer something that we take for granted...it is something we hope and pray for, something we wait anxiously for, but something we no longer feel is a guarantee.  We don't want to offer them promises of a healthy newborn that we are not in control of providing...we can do everything in our power to try to make that happen, but even then there is no way we can ever control for every variable.

That is the whole issue we, and the girls, are facing right now.  We have seen firsthand that even when you do everything right, you aren't guaranteed a happy outcome.  I know that Wednesday's ultrasound will help ease our mind at least a little, but it won't guarantee that everything will be okay.  No one can do that.  Please please don't try to tell me in the coming months that you are "sure everything is going to be okay."  I know that your intentions will be good, but they are empty words because you have no idea what else to say.  It's okay...neither do we. 

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